Special Delivery

The Compression Propulsion System (CPS) is a set of mechanisms made to be retrofitted onto existing firearms. This prevents the waste of disposing of thousands of perfectly good weapons.

Early CPS prototypes were difficult to reload in tense combat situations.

"The idea was to save money through reuse. The CPS is the perfection of this idea. They didn't want us to change the slingshot -- just what we put in it," stated Dr. Blanchard as she addressed a Congressional sub-committee in December 2003.

CPS uses highly carbonated water as the payload. The carbonation allows the water to achieve the range and force of a conventional bullet. Though the details of the design are still classified, the basic principle is pretty simple.

Water is stored in a tank mounted on the rifle. CO2 is stored in a separate container. When the trigger is pulled, the water is pressurized and blended with the CO2 in the chamber of the rifle. Tiny agitators, called tumblers, spin inside the chamber, further increasing the pressure of the carbonated water. When the soldier releases the trigger, a shudder draws back, freeing the highly pressurized water. Like after shaking a soda can, the liquid explodes out of the chamber. As it is released, the water spirals toward the target thanks to tiny grooves carved into the inside of the rifle barrel. This spiraling action increases accuracy and the concentration of the water stream once it leaves the barrel. The spiraling action also serves to further agitate the carbonated water. In terms of capabilities, the CPS weapons match their conventional counterparts almost exactly. Several military firearms have been modified to create the new hydro-ordnance-capable replacements. The military intends to eventually modify all weaponry to accept a CPS. The tables below list the successful prototypes and their battlefield ratings.

Assault Rifles
Range	Accuracy	Rate of Fire	Portability	Damage
Excellent	Good	Excellent	Fair	Good
AR-15 = CPS 1200 Lance
M-16A = CPS 1350 Water Pick

Side Arms
Range	Accuracy	Rate of Fire	Portability	Damage
Poor	Excellent	Poor	Excellent	Good
Sig Sauer .380 = CPS 40 Marlin
USP .40 = CPS 90 Barracuda
Desert Eagle .50 = CPS 2900 Storm

Suppression
Range	Accuracy	Rate of Fire	Portability	Damage
Excellent	Poor	Excellent	Poor	Excellent
M60E4 = CPS 6000 Eroder

Close Combat
Range	Accuracy	Rate of Fire	Portability	Damage
Poor	Poor	Poor/Good	Excellent	Excellent
12G M-1 Combat Shotgun = CPS 1200 Mako
12G M-1A Auto Shotgun = CPS 1200A Auto Mako

Submachine Gun
Range	Accuracy	Rate of Fire	Portability	Damage
Fair	Good	Good	Excellent	Good
MP-5A4 = CPS 950 Blue
MAC-11 = CPS 400 Squirt

Is This For Real? April Fools! Now that April 1st has come and gone, we'll admit that this article is absolutely untrue. For now.