How Reverse Psychology Works

Reverse psychology, or paradoxical intervention, is a relatively new concept in psychotherapy, Raymond says. Yet you can also think of it as folklore. For example, all through history, people have told parents not to warn a child that they don't want her to marry the ne'er-do-well she loves, for fear she'll promptly wed the loser. But does it work on everyone and in every situation?

Experts tell us reverse psychology is more likely to work on those who like to be in control — Type A folks, rebels and narcissistic people, to name a few. (Agreeable, more passive people typically will do what you ask, so reverse psychology isn't necessary for them.) It also tends to work better on those who are making decisions based on emotions, rather than when calmly evaluating things [source: Straker].

But Raymond argues the success of its usage depends less upon personality type than on the dynamics of the relationship. "Where a person is struggling with autonomy and individuality, paradox may work because [that person] feels as if they are still resisting by doing what you tell them not to do," Raymond says.

As an example, she cites Julian Assange, head of the WikiLeaks site. "The more he was told to stop, and had a ton of threats put on him by powerful countries such as the U.S.A., the more he defied and became a martyr to the cause," she says. "If he had been told that it was great, keep doing it (paradox) by the U.S.A., he probably wouldn't have been so intent on it."

Thankfully, most of us aren't pondering whether to employ reverse psychology to stop the release of sensitive government information. No, most of us use it for rather benign reasons, and typically on kids and love interests or in business settings.

Anyone with kids has probably used a good dose of reverse psychology on them. After all, kids seem hard-wired to do the opposite of what their parents desire. (At least some of the time, anyway.) And like many of us, they don't like to be told what to do or not to do.

In one experiment, 2-year-olds were told not to play with a certain toy. Voilà — they suddenly really, really wanted to pay with that toy. Similarly, in another experiment, older kids were told they could select a poster from a group of five. But right after that announcement, they were told one of the five was actually not available after all. Guess what? They suddenly found the missing poster quite desirable. Some studies also show that certain warning labels merely make a product more alluring to kids, such as those put on a violent TV show [source: PsyBlog].

So what's the takeaway? Parents can use reverse psychology to blunt some of kids' innate desire. But they must do so responsibly and sparingly, experts say. First of all, if you employ reverse psychology too often, it will become apparent and won't work. Your kids will view you as a manipulator, which isn't a good thing.

Second, you should never employ "negative" reverse psychology, which can be damaging to a child's self-esteem. For example, don't tell your son you'll put away his bike for him because he probably can't figure out how to maneuver it into your crowded garage without scratching the cars anyway. Instead, look for positive or innocuous forms of reverse psychology. Let's say your young daughter won't eat dinner. Tell her that's fine, but since dinnertime apparently is over, it's now bedtime.

With teens, it often helps to argue against yourself, in sort of a reverse-reverse psychology. If your 16-year-old wants to attend a questionable event, for example, tell her you can't force her to stay away, even if you have evidence there are dangers. She'll have to decide for herself what's wisest. Now you're effectively arguing against yourself, which may cause your child to take your advice in the end [source: Online Parenting Coach].

"Paradox is not giving permission to do what the child wants rather than what the parent wants," Raymond says. "It’s about encouraging the child to do the wrong thing so that it then becomes unappetizing."

Some psychologists oppose using reverse psychology under any circumstances. Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a child clinical psychologist, says on her website that if you reward your child for doing the opposite of what you say — for example, you tell your son not to cut his long hair, he does and then you tell him how great he looks now — you're teaching them NOT to listen to you. You're also teaching them that you don't really mean what you say.

Sometimes in relationships, parties are evasive when it comes to certain topics, not being honest about what they really think or feel. If you feel this is happening in your own relationship, especially if the evasion is in regard to a major event, you can try using reverse psychology. Maybe your boyfriend tells you he wants to take a break because he thinks you've become too clingy. Cheerfully tell him fine, you were just thinking that you were relying on him too much anyway. Then don't contact him in any way after that. He might abruptly change his mind and ask to resume the relationship.

Or maybe you've been discussing having children with your wife. You're pretty sure she wants to start a family now, but she says it's wiser to wait a little longer. You say, "OK, let's wait two more years." She may suddenly say she wants children sooner than that.

In the case of business, experts say it's most useful for those in sales. It's not appropriate to employ this technique to try and persuade people to buy items they don't need. But it can be helpful and appropriate to use the technique on customers interested in your product [source: Loewen].

There are several ways you can incorporate reverse psychology in sales. One is called "disqualifying the client." In this scenario, you tell the customer he can't afford a particular item or it's not appropriate for him in the hopes that will make him want it all the more.

Let's say you're helping a couple find a new car. You show them everything in the showroom except two luxury vehicles in the corner. They ask why you aren't showing them those two, and you say it's because those cars are expensive — the implication being that the couple can't afford them. The couple insists on viewing them, then purchases one of the two just to prove they can afford a pricey vehicle [source: Michalowicz].

Another common reverse psychology technique employed in sales is to ask your customer — after you've given your pitch —to rate your product on a scale of one to 10. The customer likes it a fair amount, so they rate it a seven. You appear surprised and say you thought from their reaction, they were going to give it a three or four. Oftentimes the customer will then explain why they rated it a seven. As they rattle off the product's positive attributes to you, they are basically selling themselves on it [source: Michalowicz].